Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
