My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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