Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
