I just pynch a tree in the face
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
