Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.