mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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