He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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