apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
