he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Drunk is a universal language darling
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
