So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
