I murdered the dance floor call the cops
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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