dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
