beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
