Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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