Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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