my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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