i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
