Who wears a wallet chain?!
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
