Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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