Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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