I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
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I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
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well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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