U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
