I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
