You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
