This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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