Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
