My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
My dick has a subreddit
Randomize
