If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
