direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
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