I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I want her autograph on my taint
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
