i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
