My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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