I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
