I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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