I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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