He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
