he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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