i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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