we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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