she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
