that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
