i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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