Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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