You don't have asthma, your pregnant
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
