Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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