I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
