I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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