I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
