I accidentally had phone sex last night
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Your cock deserves a montage
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Randomize
