Whatcha textin bout Willis?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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