1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Randomize
