I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
