Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
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This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
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My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.