Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.