Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
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I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
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We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!