I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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