I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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