I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
