You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
